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Note: This post is satire and you shouldn’t follow any of Points Envy’s suggestions, nor should you break the law. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.
In the past, we at Points Envy have broken the news on some of the most creative ways to earn points, and this week’s Billion Mile Secrets post is no exception. Below we outline some brand new, tried-and-true, experimental, traditional, revolutionary ways to generate the points you need.
Method #1: Sleep Your Way to the Top
The key to this method is to first familiarize yourself with the personal lives of employees of numerous loyalty programs. For legal reasons, we can’t reveal any specifics, but our general method is to identify an acceptably good-looking employee, follow them to their place of residence, seduce them, get them addicted to our love, and convince them to augment our account with extra points. If the employee is already in a relationship, that’s even better, as you only need one night and a camera to get all the points and status you need.
Method #2: Complain About Everything
This is borderline conventional, but sometimes people overlook the little things that only a refined traveler can appreciate. For example, on our most recent Asiana flight, one of the flight attendants failed to refer to us as “sir” the eighth time she refilled our champagne.
We immediately complained to the purser on the flight, who verbally and physically reprimanded the flight attendant before assuring us that we would be taken care of. Upon arrival we noticed that our Asiana Club account had been credited the number of miles we had redeemed for the flight.
Method #3: Win Contests
We hesitate to even mention this method due to its simplicity, but it has provided us with large chunks of miles in the past. All you really need to do to succeed is to enter as many points and miles giveaways as you can and then win them. To increase your odds of winning, we suggest you create multiple identities and hire a team of statisticians and/or hackers to help you with the entries. In the past year alone, we’ve accumulated more than 540,000 points and miles via this method, but of course your miles may vary.
Method #4: Create an Online Office Supply Store
This is a relatively new entry into our points-earning repertoire, but all you really need is a website and a Square account to start your own points mill. You don’t even need the website, but we are legitimate businessmen who like to maintain high standards. When you create your Square account, simply indicate that you are an office supply store and give yourself an officey sounding name like Max Office Staples Depot.
The final step is to swipe a card like the Chase Ink Bold that earns 5x points at office supply stores. Square charges a 2.75% fee, but you will still come out ahead by 2.25 points per dollar if you use your new Ultimate Rewards points to pay for the fee. So far, we have generated over 8,500,000 Ultimate Rewards points using this method buying envelopes from pointsenvy.com/officesupplies.
Method #5: Warm Up to Old People
We recognize that the old people in first class often have accumulated a lifetime’s worth of miles. Accordingly, long-haul international first class cabins present ripe opportunities for sweet-talking your way to some miles gold.
We typically start by having the purser send over a couple tumblers of scotch to set the mood, which is usually one and a half too many given the amount of medication our new friend is likely to be on. Once they are good and loopy, we ask them about their lives and families. Some of our favorite talking points are children, boats, the war, the way things were, and how cold it is on the flight.
It is also helpful to remind them of their grandchildren’s inadequacies just before explaining your grand scheme to conduct charity work all over the world. After just a few minutes of making a great first impression, they will fall asleep and you can call your attorney up from economy class and have them fill in the blanks of the pre-drafted will with which they are oh so familiar.
And so you see, there are infinitely many ways to earn miles if your imagination and mental capacity are sufficient. We are always dreaming up new methods, some of which we share through blogs and our Twitter account, but most of which we keep to ourselves. Gotta look out for number one.