Note: This post is satire and you shouldn’t follow any of Points Envy’s suggestions, nor should you break the law. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.
If we learned anything from our recently-deceased Uncle Ryan, it was not to discuss religion in company. That, and not to drink too much (which, by the way, is why we generally stick to champagne). At the risk of violating this wisdom, we at Points Envy got ourselves high school drunk before authoring this week’s Billion Mile Secrets column, which details how some of that ol’ time religion can potentially raise your points balances to the high heavens.
Several months ago, while en route to Frankfurt, a polite young man knocked on the door of our Singapore Airlines Suite and asked if we were interested in living life to the fullest. Naturally, we assumed he was selling high-quality drugs, but instead he told us about a man-god named Zubard. As it turns out, Zubard possesses a unique ability to communicate with Earth’s long-lost ancestors from the planet Zubard.
The young man went on to explain that for the reasonable tithe of seventy percent of our monthly earnings, we could have the pleasure of attending meetings where like-minded believers listen to and benefit from Zubard’s teachings. Having already made the mistake of accidentally joining a cult in San Diego that preached about unprecedented travels, we were immediately skeptical. We smiled and started to slowly close our suite door, but our ears perked up when the young man casually mentioned his “sixth wife.”
You see, in our ongoing quest for points, we had recently been exploring strategies of putting friends and relatives to their best uses, and the idea of multiple spouses seemed rife with potential. The man clarified that the seventy percent tithe to Zubard only applied to monetary earnings (not including points or miles), so we decided it was worth a few dollars to attend a meeting. We took a pamphlet, ordered a refill, and then had the purser escort our new friend back to economy.
Seven incredibly short weeks and twelve supermodel-tall wives after attending our first meeting, we were feeling great about the new strategy. Through credit card signup bonuses and other earning schemes, our wives had netted us more than seven million points (and nearly as many sexual favors). As an added bonus, we had discovered the true meaning of life from our alien ancestors, who cultivate and imbibe their own form of sparkling wine known as Zubard.
Yet not long after, through a rendezvous with one of our Zubard-approved mistresses, we realized that being legally married was by no means a requirement for gaining access to a lover’s points-earning potential, as pretty much anyone can be manipulated into disclosing personal information under the right circumstances. Feeling unnecessarily tied down, we immediately divorced all of our wives and lost most of our faith in Zubard (Zubard the deity that is, not Zubard the sparkling wine; we remain very much devoted to the latter).
Not to be deterred, Points Envy of course continued to search for further Truths. It was not long before we found one, which we would be delighted to share with you if you are prepared to follow us on a journey through the skies and, subsequently, the Heavens. If you believe your body and soul are both truly prepared, we invite you to join an exclusive group who will fly with Points Envy on our Incredible Itinerary of Insight (III).
The Inaugural III (IIII) will take place in January 2013, a month the Mayans guaranteed to be full of excitement. For only half of your monthly points earnings and a registration fee of $787, plus the points or real dollars needed to book your ticket, you will be granted access to ancient secrets of points wisdom and general life contentment that are guaranteed to change your points game forever. Food and drink will also be provided.
The first leg of the IIII will be in Asiana’s first class suites from Chicago to Seoul. From Seoul we will head to Pyongyang in communist first class by way of Beijing, and from Pyongyang we will venture to the Great Beyond (also in first). Details will be announced soon for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so we suggest you start selling all of your possessions now. Join us. Join us. Join us.