Note: This post is satire and you shouldn’t follow any of Points Envy’s suggestions, nor should you break the law. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.
Over the past week the blogosphere and the various news media outlets have been abuzz with reports that an official announcement of the merger between American Airlines and US Airways is imminent. While we at Points Envy only use these carriers in emergency situations, given that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner we felt compelled to take a closer look at this heartwarming romance. Today on Billion Mile Secrets, we will analyze the news, offer our insights, and discuss what the merger could mean for your points balances.
Our discussion begins with a closer look the airline mating ritual. In this case, American Airlines started things off by sending signals of availability when it publicly declared bankruptcy, the airline equivalent of a scantily-clad sorority girl saying, “Oh mygud I’m suuhhh drunk.” Unfortunately, a few subsequent unladylike mishaps only served to further underline the airline’s aura of desperation. Hoping to avoid a true runway taxiing of shame, the airline has since officially gone under the knife for some “enhancements.”
The new AA. Hot or not?
Having received no promising inquiries despite all its efforts, in March 2012 American Airlines sent top executives to a secret airline executive retreat in Daytona Beach. After a wild night of drugs, alcohol and dancing (including an obscene number of jokes about “flying high”), a conversation began between a couple of American and US Airways executives over tacos and a few fishbowls of bottom-shelf liquor. Only the wisest among us could have predicted that before long these two love birds would be swapping liquidity statements.
Throughout the wooing process US Airways played it cool and noncommittal, all the while subtly hinting at its bad boy reputation (“I’m from Philly.”) and significant assets (“Have you seen our new Envoy seats? People have compared them to Kathy Pacific [sic].”). During initial proceedings, the airline also casually mentioned (perhaps too many times) how many first class Star Alliance awards it had “personally handled” over the past few years for “satisfied customers.”
The face of a fear of commitment?
The two airlines went back and forth privately for months, with American never quite sure how interested US Airways really was, and US Airways not quite ready to give up the prospect of hooking up with Deltalina. Not entirely lacking self-respect, American at one point threatened to back out of the deal if US Airways wasn’t ready to show signs of serious commitment. The clincher appears to have come when US Airways, in a fit of uncharacteristic emotional outreach, finally broke down and announced it was ready to share a hub with its new life partner.
But let’s get to the real question at issue: what does this unique, epic romance mean for your points and miles? Like all bloggers, we have absolutely no idea. Unlike other bloggers, we are willing to admit as much.
And what does it really matter anyway? We’d advise you to just continue to build points in both airlines’ programs when convenient (and all other airlines’ programs for that matter), as OneWorld and Star Alliance both have some pretty decent first class products. Cheers to the future!