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Note: This post is satire and you shouldn’t follow any of Points Envy’s suggestions, nor should you break the law. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.
This post is a humorous look at credit cards and is NOT an actual tutorial on credit cards.
This week on Billion Mile Secrets we throw a bone to the points and miles newbies. Given how long we’ve put in work to earn our rightful place in the game, we often tend to overlook the little people (those with less than 20 million points or miles). But in the spirit of giving back and the New Year and other such meaningless things, what follows is a clear course of action for 2013 for those of you who may just be embarking on your quest towards points glory.
For the card strategy below, we recommend you have a decent credit score and that you not be applying for any loans in the short-term future. It also helps if you have citizenship with at least two countries and a steady six- or seven-figure income. If your actual income is, like ours, closer to three or four figures, you can just fake that part.
For the first quarter, we recommend you apply for the following cards: (a) an Ink Bold card and the Sapphire Preferred MasterCard and Visa cards; (b) all of the personal Citi AAdvantage cards; (c) both a personal and a business Starwood Preferred Guest card; (d) two Barclays U.S. Airways cards; (e) two Bank of America Hawaiian Airlines cards; (f) two Capital One Venture cards; and (g) four Cayman Municipal Banking Trust & Banking Bank Island Rewards cards. Of course, when applying for multiple cards from a single bank, you should use the two-, three- or four-browser method, as appropriate.
If you do all of these applications on the same day, you will almost certainly be approved for all of the cards without issue. To satisfy the significant spending required to earn the signup bonuses, we recommend buying really awesome things, like a leather duster or Apple products. Or you can open multiple Bluebird accounts and fund them using Vanilla Reloads purchased with your shiny new credit cards.
Our parents enjoying Singapore’s first class, shortly after abandoning us.
For the second quarter, you should apply for: (a) an Ink Plus card, a United Club card and a United Explorer card; (b) three Citi Hilton cards; (c) an Amex Platinum card and an Amex Business Platinum card; (d) another Barclays U.S. Airways card and that nifty Barclays NFL card (just for fun); (e) a couple Bank of Hawaii Hawaiian Airlines cards; (f) three Bank of America Alaska Airlines cards; and (g) eight more Island Rewards cards. Again, unless you make some huge mistake, you should be approved for all these cards without issue.
If you are encountering any problems by this point, we suggest you reassure the bank in question of your significant income and even go so far as to promise to purchase all of your upcoming “big items” with their card. If they ask why almost all of your spending is at drugstores in multiples of $503.95, throw out some complicated medical terminology and lengthy groaning. It also helps to mention that you have been a loyal customer of their bank for “quite some time.”
For the third quarter, we recommend the following: (a) a British Airways card and two Hyatt cards from Chase; (b) four to five Citi Hilton Reserve cards; (c) a Premier Rewards Gold card and a Business Premier Rewards Gold Card from American Express; (d) three more Barclays U.S. Airways cards; (e) another couple Bank of Hawaii Hawaiian Airlines cards; (f) two more Capital One Venture cards; (g) two more Bank of America Alaska Airlines cards; and (h) at least two more Island Rewards card.
By now you know the drill to hit the spending needed for the card bonuses. If you have been subjected to an American Express “financial review” or other such banking mumbo jumbo by this point, just stay strong and remain confident that they can never hold you down.
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the fourth quarter! This go-round we suggest: (a) a Marriott and/or Ritz-Carlton card and a Freedom card from Chase; (b) two Citi AAdvantage Business cards; (c) three Hilton Surpass cards and a Mercedes-Benz Platinum card from American Express; (d) another Barclays U.S. Airways card; (e) another couple Bank of America Hawaiian Airlines cards; (f) another Capital One Venture card; and (g) a sprinkling of Island Rewards cards (for good measure).
There you have it dear readers: more than a million miles and points, along with a bunch of free hotel nights, all for just a few clicks on the Internet and a couple little white lies. Of course, this process entails a decent number of credit card applications, and, as we all know, travel bloggers earn a commission on these applications. For each card, we therefore recommend using the affiliate link from whichever blogger pushes that particular card the hardest. It always feels good to reward hard work.
Naturally you will want to supplement these credit card signup bonuses throughout the year in numerous others ways. For example, you should have Amazon Payments accounts going each month for every person you know, and you should also max out the $50,000 annual 5x office supply store bonus on your new Ink cards. This combination should result in at least another 600,000 points, assuming you have access to your friends’ and family members’ social security numbers.
Throw in whatever other deals develop over the course of the year, and you should be sitting on at least six million new points and miles by the end of 2013. Unless of course you’ve already redeemed all your new miles for first class travel by that point, in which case Points Envy salutes you for understanding the true meaning of the game.
In any case, we hope this tutorial will help guide you on the path from amatuer to slightly better amateur. Or not, we don’t really care. It’s hard to care when this flight attendant just set up our A380 suite with a nice fresh duvet and our bedtime champagne. Goodnight and enjoy your points!